It’s happened to most of us guys. You’re at a party. You see this gorgeous girl from across the room. She’s perfect. And then the frantic inner dialogue begins in your mind:

“Should I go talk to her?

Nah, you’re crazy, she’s way out of your league.

What if she already has a boyfriend?

Of course she already has a boyfriend, she’s a model! Why the heck would she want to talk to you anyway?

Well, sometimes really pretty girls have a thing for ugly guys, and even skinny guys.

That’s because those guys are filthy rich, and are CEO’s of start up companies. Too bad all that you have in your checking account is debt. If you decide to go on the suicide mission and actually go talk to her, she’s going to give you a look of disgust and laugh because you’re just not her type. Then all of her friends are going to laugh at you in slow motion. Besides, you have nothing interesting to say to her! Don’t be a jerk and waste her time.”

The girl then actually looks your way, smiles, and you respond by quickly darting your eyes away from her, ordering a drink, and cowering off into some corner where it’s safe from any amount of social risk.

Where did I gather all this insight from, in regards to this sort of inner dialogue, which I believe, universally afflicts young men all throughout the world? From my memory. Because I’ve been guilty of it too. So. Many. Times. And if I’m honest with myself, there were a number of things at play in my inability to act with confidence, courage, and class in moments such as those, but one of the premiere reasons had to do with my fear of rejection.

Men, what is the worst thing that the girl in that scenario could have said, if you walked up, had a conversation with her, and asked her out sometime? “No.” Perhaps, even “No thanks.” And then what would have happened? Obviously, you would have died on the spot. Or you would have shrieked out loud, in public, as your body began to shrink into the size of a plastic figurine, right? Wrong. If a girl declines your offer to go out on a date, or give you her number, that’s okay. There are billions of other women in the world, and you’ve just narrowed down the search for your future spouse.

In my recent past as a marriage and family therapist, one of the methods I would use in my counseling sessions with clients who came in with phobias or anxiety, was to use an intervention method called exposure therapy. As the name entails, the technique involved exposing the client to the very thing that they were afraid of, in a controlled environment, repeatedly. Often times, these fears were highly irrational, and involved categories such as the fear of balloons, elevators, or of not having access to hand sanitizer every few minutes.

Naturally, the client would be filled with anxious thoughts and feelings as they encountered their worst nightmares. But little by little, over the course of a number of sessions, they came to grasp that much of the fear was based on a false meaning that they had placed on the object, setting, or circumstance. It was rewarding to witness the weight being lifted off of their shoulders, as they learned to overcome their fears, replace irrational thoughts with truth, and prove to themselves that they could be freed of these manufactured shackles in their minds.

The reason I bring this up, is because I believe that the fear of rejection, or social anxiety, can be overcome in just the same way. It’s going to involve some initial exposure to discomfort and fear, but you’ll be fine. Here is your first mission, if you choose to accept it:

Pick a day this week where you can walk up to a woman you don’t know, during the day in public, such as a mall, or gathering you’re at and start a conversation.

“Well, I don’t want to be one of those creepy guys who say pick up lines.”

Don’t do that, ever. Instead, ask them an interesting opening question like:

“Excuse me, could I get your honest opinion, as a woman, about what I could get for my Mom (or sister depending on whose birthday is coming up sooner) that would make her feel special on her birthday?”

You’ll probably feel nervous and awkward asking, but keep your cool. Don’t breathe heavily or stare at her with your eyes wide open like a crazy person, but focus on being casual, relaxed, and know that you’re not going to die. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the number of women who might be taken aback at first, but are willing to help you with such a thoughtful question that has to do with treating the first woman in your life, with love and consideration. This is a trait that any woman would appreciate.

As she gives her response and seeks to help you out, follow up by thanking her, and then introduce your name. Then ask what her name is. Then give her a compliment. Remember, the purpose of this exercise isn’t to be manipulative, creepy, or try to become some raging pick up artist; but rather, for you to overcome your fear of approaching a woman you don’t know and being able to carry out a conversation.

If the conversation continues, then great! Go with the flow, and show her that you not only know how to lead a conversation, but you are a man with substance, intelligence, class, and charm.

“But what if I don’t have substance, intelligence, class, or charm? Or I don’t know the art of conversation??”

Well my friend, that’s where you need to continue developing yourself, into a man who possesses such qualities. Read, study, grow, exercise, serve, travel, pray, seek to grow in your faith, and expose yourself to things (good things) outside of your comfort zone that challenge you to level up. You have what it takes. You have something to offer. Show her that you are a man who has goals, direction, and a passion for life.

If at the end of this conversation, you feel like you’d like to get to know her more, and take her out on a date, then be direct and ask her. Don’t say you want to “hang out” because in her mind that makes you a potential friend, not a potential love interest. You’re going to get friend zoned (again) if you don’t take the risk and make your intentions known. I’m well aware that it is more comfortable to take the less risky path of being a good friend, hoping that on one serendipitous Summer evening, she sees you as more than just a friend, and takes the initiative to ask you out. Snap out of it man!

“Hey, it’s been really nice talking to you and I’d love to get to know you more. Could I take you out on a date for coffee sometime?”

If she says, “Sure” then take out your phone and ask for her number; not her Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat account. Please. That’s a cop out.

If she says, “Uhhh, no thanks”, or “Sorry, I have a boyfriend”, then remain calm and respond by saying,

“No worries, I appreciate you helping me out. Have a great rest of your day.”

Walk away, don’t be weird about it, cry, or kick an inanimate object; know that this is not a failure, but rather, a success. You have grown in your confidence and ability to put yourself out there. Congratulations! It doesn’t mean you’re an unloveable freak who will be forever alone, it just means that she wasn’t compatible with you. Carry on, brother, there are many more fish in the sea. And the more you engage in this type of exercise, the more you will learn to be the best version of yourself in social settings.

Ultimately, women appreciate a guy’s boldness and confidence in asking them out. On the contrary, there are graveyards filled with the hearts of men who watched the love of their life get swooped up by another guy, because he was willing to take the risk before they did. They may have even been asked to be a groomsman for the future wedding, since he had always been “such a good friend” to the bride. Don’t be that guy, RIP. Ask the question, dang it!

I hear it way too often from beautiful, single Catholic women that I meet at events:

“Paul, where are all the good guys at church? The ones I know are awkward. They can’t even hold up a conversation. Or they don’t ever ask me out, even though I know he’s interested. Or they’re already married or in the seminary.”

Gentlemen, stop keeping her waiting.

I have a friend who wasn’t even attracted to her fiancé when they first met, but honored the fact that he was direct and took the risk of initiating. Fast forward years later, and now they’re engaged to be married. Bam. Enough said. I know another guy, who nearly five years ago, attended his friend’s wedding without a date, as usual. As he looked around the reception hall, he saw this beautiful girl with a stunning smile. Normally he would have shied away from approaching a complete stranger who he had the hots for, but instead he decided to take a risk. He introduced himself, asked her an interesting question like, “Tell me the meaning behind the tattoo on your shoulder” and the night continued with conversation, laughter, dancing, and the crucial phone number exchange.

That guy was me, the gorgeous girl with the tattoo is now my wife, and I’m currently writing this article on our kitchen table as she dances across the room, making our two beautiful kids laugh. I’m so grateful I overcame my fear and took a risk that day… I’ll be rooting for you as you go and take yours.

– Paul 

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