This past year has been tremendously busy with ministry, family, self-care, growth, and basically raising 3 helpless humans (and finding out another is on the way). Personally, it’s been a huge lesson in learning how to listen to God’s voice and trusting that what He has planned for me is GOOD – a concurrent lesson in humility and utter surrender. I honestly didn’t think this would be such a difficult lesson for me. I’ve always considered myself as easy-going and adaptable, usually willing to bend and follow others’ leadership. I’ve always told God that if He ever just told me what to do, I would drop everything in a second and do it, no problem, no questions asked. Yeah. Right. This year has proved me wrong and discovering the stubborn, immature, untrusting parts of myself has been a tough pill to swallow.

It was through these readings that I felt God telling me He wanted Paul to finish his duties at the event and that the people there needed to hear what he would have to say. I knew that God entrusted Paul with the task of sharing the Gospel, and specifically sent him, even in the midst of a major family life moment. God assured me that in our own ways – with each word coming out of Paul’s mouth and with each contraction my body was feeling – we would be doing our parts and God would use it all to spread the Good News and further the Kingdom of God. And in prayer, I felt deep comfort. The Lord promised me that the baby and I would be OK. He promised that I would be taken care of and that I wouldn’t go through this alone. And I surrendered. I said OK, God. I believe you. I told Paul to stay at the event and fly home as soon as it was over. Everything went smoothly. I tucked Audrey and Aiden into bed and kissed them goodnight. My mom stayed home with them and my sister took me to the hospital just in time. Remy was born 2 hours later. It was a beautiful and special experience that Remy, my sister, and I shared and it brought me so much joy to watch my dear sister cut my baby’s umbilical cord. I knew from that moment that they would always have a special connection. I smiled and took a picture of my sweet newborn baby and texted it to Paul as he slept 1000 miles away, knowing the first thing he would see when he woke up would be his brand new baby daughter. All was well. Or so I thought.

When I transferred to Franciscan University of Steubenville to finish my undergrad studies and grow in my Catholic faith, she was there in every chapel, silently praying for me. When I graduated and joined the Franciscans Friars the Renewal to discern priesthood and religious life, she was there again in each of the chapels (and on a 30 ft mural that was on the side of one of the Bronx NY friaries I lived in).

When I discerned out of the community and started dating my now wife, who was Protestant at the time, she revealed herself to her as a Mother on a date we went to on Dec 12 (her feast day). The girl serving us had a tattoo of our Lady of Guadalupe, which led to a beautiful conversation about Mother Mary, and even a time of speaking with her for the first time in prayer.

After we got married and were expecting our first born, Audrey, the doctor told us that her expected due date was on Dec 12 several months in advance. Nine days before that date, we started a novena asking her for the favor of welcoming our daughter on her feast day, and it was answered.

Today is my baby girl’s 4th birthday. As I look back on my life, I see how Our Lady has truly been a mother to me. She has always led me closer to her Son, Jesus Christ. She has one desire for my life: that my soul too would worship and “magnify the greatness of the Lord” (Luke 1:46) and that I would “do whatever he tells [me]” (John 2:5). Thank you for always loving me and my family, Mama.

It’s happened to most of us guys. You’re at a party. You see this gorgeous girl from across the room. She’s perfect. And then the frantic inner dialogue begins in your mind:

“Should I go talk to her?

Nah, you’re crazy, she’s way out of your league.

What if she already has a boyfriend?

Of course she already has a boyfriend, she’s a model! Why the heck would she want to talk to you anyway?

Well, sometimes really pretty girls have a thing for ugly guys, and even skinny guys.

That’s because those guys are filthy rich, and are CEO’s of start up companies. Too bad all that you have in your checking account is debt. If you decide to go on the suicide mission and actually go talk to her, she’s going to give you a look of disgust and laugh because you’re just not her type. Then all of her friends are going to laugh at you in slow motion. Besides, you have nothing interesting to say to her! Don’t be a jerk and waste her time.”

The girl then actually looks your way, smiles, and you respond by quickly darting your eyes away from her, ordering a drink, and cowering off into some corner where it’s safe from any amount of social risk.

Where did I gather all this insight from, in regards to this sort of inner dialogue, which I believe, universally afflicts young men all throughout the world? From my memory. Because I’ve been guilty of it too. So. Many. Times. And if I’m honest with myself, there were a number of things at play in my inability to act with confidence, courage, and class in moments such as those, but one of the premiere reasons had to do with my fear of rejection.

Men, what is the worst thing that the girl in that scenario could have said, if you walked up, had a conversation with her, and asked her out sometime? “No.” Perhaps, even “No thanks.” And then what would have happened? Obviously, you would have died on the spot. Or you would have shrieked out loud, in public, as your body began to shrink into the size of a plastic figurine, right? Wrong. If a girl declines your offer to go out on a date, or give you her number, that’s okay. There are billions of other women in the world, and you’ve just narrowed down the search for your future spouse.

In my recent past as a marriage and family therapist, one of the methods I would use in my counseling sessions with clients who came in with phobias or anxiety, was to use an intervention method called exposure therapy. As the name entails, the technique involved exposing the client to the very thing that they were afraid of, in a controlled environment, repeatedly. Often times, these fears were highly irrational, and involved categories such as the fear of balloons, elevators, or of not having access to hand sanitizer every few minutes.

Naturally, the client would be filled with anxious thoughts and feelings as they encountered their worst nightmares. But little by little, over the course of a number of sessions, they came to grasp that much of the fear was based on a false meaning that they had placed on the object, setting, or circumstance. It was rewarding to witness the weight being lifted off of their shoulders, as they learned to overcome their fears, replace irrational thoughts with truth, and prove to themselves that they could be freed of these manufactured shackles in their minds.

The reason I bring this up, is because I believe that the fear of rejection, or social anxiety, can be overcome in just the same way. It’s going to involve some initial exposure to discomfort and fear, but you’ll be fine. Here is your first mission, if you choose to accept it:

Pick a day this week where you can walk up to a woman you don’t know, during the day in public, such as a mall, or gathering you’re at and start a conversation.

“Well, I don’t want to be one of those creepy guys who say pick up lines.”

Don’t do that, ever. Instead, ask them an interesting opening question like:

“Excuse me, could I get your honest opinion, as a woman, about what I could get for my Mom (or sister depending on whose birthday is coming up sooner) that would make her feel special on her birthday?”

You’ll probably feel nervous and awkward asking, but keep your cool. Don’t breathe heavily or stare at her with your eyes wide open like a crazy person, but focus on being casual, relaxed, and know that you’re not going to die. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the number of women who might be taken aback at first, but are willing to help you with such a thoughtful question that has to do with treating the first woman in your life, with love and consideration. This is a trait that any woman would appreciate.

As she gives her response and seeks to help you out, follow up by thanking her, and then introduce your name. Then ask what her name is. Then give her a compliment. Remember, the purpose of this exercise isn’t to be manipulative, creepy, or try to become some raging pick up artist; but rather, for you to overcome your fear of approaching a woman you don’t know and being able to carry out a conversation.

If the conversation continues, then great! Go with the flow, and show her that you not only know how to lead a conversation, but you are a man with substance, intelligence, class, and charm.

“But what if I don’t have substance, intelligence, class, or charm? Or I don’t know the art of conversation??”

Well my friend, that’s where you need to continue developing yourself, into a man who possesses such qualities. Read, study, grow, exercise, serve, travel, pray, seek to grow in your faith, and expose yourself to things (good things) outside of your comfort zone that challenge you to level up. You have what it takes. You have something to offer. Show her that you are a man who has goals, direction, and a passion for life.

If at the end of this conversation, you feel like you’d like to get to know her more, and take her out on a date, then be direct and ask her. Don’t say you want to “hang out” because in her mind that makes you a potential friend, not a potential love interest. You’re going to get friend zoned (again) if you don’t take the risk and make your intentions known. I’m well aware that it is more comfortable to take the less risky path of being a good friend, hoping that on one serendipitous Summer evening, she sees you as more than just a friend, and takes the initiative to ask you out. Snap out of it man!

“Hey, it’s been really nice talking to you and I’d love to get to know you more. Could I take you out on a date for coffee sometime?”

If she says, “Sure” then take out your phone and ask for her number; not her Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat account. Please. That’s a cop out.

If she says, “Uhhh, no thanks”, or “Sorry, I have a boyfriend”, then remain calm and respond by saying,

“No worries, I appreciate you helping me out. Have a great rest of your day.”

Walk away, don’t be weird about it, cry, or kick an inanimate object; know that this is not a failure, but rather, a success. You have grown in your confidence and ability to put yourself out there. Congratulations! It doesn’t mean you’re an unloveable freak who will be forever alone, it just means that she wasn’t compatible with you. Carry on, brother, there are many more fish in the sea. And the more you engage in this type of exercise, the more you will learn to be the best version of yourself in social settings.

Ultimately, women appreciate a guy’s boldness and confidence in asking them out. On the contrary, there are graveyards filled with the hearts of men who watched the love of their life get swooped up by another guy, because he was willing to take the risk before they did. They may have even been asked to be a groomsman for the future wedding, since he had always been “such a good friend” to the bride. Don’t be that guy, RIP. Ask the question, dang it!

I hear it way too often from beautiful, single Catholic women that I meet at events:

“Paul, where are all the good guys at church? The ones I know are awkward. They can’t even hold up a conversation. Or they don’t ever ask me out, even though I know he’s interested. Or they’re already married or in the seminary.”

Gentlemen, stop keeping her waiting.

I have a friend who wasn’t even attracted to her fiancé when they first met, but honored the fact that he was direct and took the risk of initiating. Fast forward years later, and now they’re engaged to be married. Bam. Enough said. I know another guy, who nearly five years ago, attended his friend’s wedding without a date, as usual. As he looked around the reception hall, he saw this beautiful girl with a stunning smile. Normally he would have shied away from approaching a complete stranger who he had the hots for, but instead he decided to take a risk. He introduced himself, asked her an interesting question like, “Tell me the meaning behind the tattoo on your shoulder” and the night continued with conversation, laughter, dancing, and the crucial phone number exchange.

That guy was me, the gorgeous girl with the tattoo is now my wife, and I’m currently writing this article on our kitchen table as she dances across the room, making our two beautiful kids laugh. I’m so grateful I overcame my fear and took a risk that day… I’ll be rooting for you as you go and take yours.

– Paul 

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Vows and commitment seem to be a thing of the past in today’s society. I’ve heard many people justify cheating by saying humans are “not meant to be monogamous creatures”. That sexual drive is a natural instinct that cannot be contained or controlled. Some couples are even delusional enough to believe that cheating on each other is “good” for their relationship or marriage. Let’s take a look at what the Bible says about infidelity and adultery:

But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself. Proverbs 6:32

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 10:4-6

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

God makes it pretty clear that sexual immorality and cheating is toxic, not only to our relationships but also to our souls (This also includes sexual immorality prior to marriage – cheating on one’s future marriage). And so why has society accepted infidelity as such a “normal” experience? Why are so many marriages ending up in divorce? Why are more and more people finding it difficult and terrifying to commit to one person, in dating, and in marriage? I believe it is because the enemy (i.e. the Devil) has taken what is good, beautiful, and true – the love and covenant between a husband and wife – and twisted our minds to believe that a happy, holy, and faithful marriage is simply unattainable.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

While I was a teenager watching my parents divorce, I had a first-hand experience of how infidelity and broken promises can destroy a family. It also shaped my view of men, relationships, and marriage. I’ve been cheated on in my past relationships. I’ve been that insecure, insanely jealous girlfriend. I had seen enough men and women cheating on their partners to believe that it would happen to me in my future marriage.
There was a time I was working for a consulting firm in Los Angeles, and occasionally, we would go out for “company dinners” (basically a professional way of saying “drinking and partying with your coworkers and then going into work the next day, pretending we didn’t do all the stupid things that we did last night”). I saw how my boss would clearly cheat on his wife, in front of his colleagues and subordinates, and how he would brag about the fact that he had a wife at home in the suburbs and a pretty girlfriend in the city. He would encourage my coworkers, who were in relationships or marriages, to go and hook up with strangers at the bar. I would watch as he would call an escort service and have girls shuffle in and line up in our private lounge rooms, and select the ones he wanted as he moved down the line: “I’ll take you, you…not you…you…the rest of you can go.” It was disgusting.

This same boss would constantly tell me, “99.99% of men will cheat on you. It’s just a fact of life. Better to face it and accept it now, than to be surprised and hurt later.” I heard it so many times that I began to believe it. It was so hurtful and degrading to hear this message over and over again – that women are merely things to be used to satiate the uncontrollable desires of men. I was so tired of hearing his ugly mouth repeating those words. I didn’t want this to be my fate and I wanted to respect myself enough to choose a partner that would respect me the same. One day during a conversation about dating and marriage, he told me again, “99.99% of men will cheat.” I finally spoke up for myself and said, “Well, you know what? If 99.99% of men cheat, then I’m going to marry the 0.01%.”

He didn’t believe me. But I didn’t believe his statistic either. I refused to believe that almost all men are cheaters and I refused to put that standard on men. Because the reality is, I know LOTS of men (and women) who are faithful, honest, and who choose to die to themselves every day for love of their spouses and families. People are capable of resisting temptation and controlling their sexual desires. People are capable of choosing love over lust. People are capable of monogamy. We just haven’t given this message to society enough for people to actually believe it in themselves.

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.  1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

If you’re feeling hopeless about finding a faithful partner, maybe this can give you some encouragement. Start by looking for a partner in the right places. Sure, I believe God can work anywhere – but I probably wouldn’t recommend a club, a frat party, or the Tinder app. Just saying. Don’t bother wasting your time sorting through the boys and girls who just want to use you and reduce you to a one-night stand.

Secondly, make your intentions and values clear when you begin to datesomeone. “I’m not looking to mess around.” “Trust and honesty are important to me.” “I want to seriously date you and discern marriage with you.” You get the idea. If you don’t make your expectations clear, you will end up confused, misled, and heartbroken.

If you are in a relationship, set clear boundaries with your partner or spouse. Define what is cheating and what is not (FYI: sexting, kissing, and using pornography IS cheating). It’s important to define what is emotional cheating as well. Are you emotionally attached to someone who is not your spouse? Are you withdrawing from your partner while getting emotional fulfillment and sharing intimacy with someone else? (For more information about emotional cheating, check out this article here). It’s also important to define what makes you uncomfortable, even if it is not technically cheating. For example, early on in our marriage, my husband and I decided that we would inform each other of who we are hanging out with, especially if it includes a member of the opposite sex, and absolutely when it is a one-on-one meeting. We also decided we would not call/text/message people of the opposite sex late at night. We decided we would not watch movies or TV shows if it caused one or both of us to have lustful thoughts.

I understand that people from all walks of life still face temptation. Nobody is free from sin. Just because you’re married, a Christian, a pastor, priest, or nun doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to other people. But it’s what you do with that attraction that determines if you have broken your covenant or not. When I feel particularly attracted to someone who is not my husband, I pray, “Lord, thank you for creating men and women the way you did. Thank you for creating this brother in Christ who is charming, attractive, talented, etc. I pray for him and whatever vocation You have called him to. And if it is Your will for him to be married, I pray for his future wife and his future marriage. May they love each other and hold their promises to one another, the way my husband and I strive to do every day. Amen.”

I know that even some of the most well-intentioned people can cheat. I understand that the divorce and infidelity rates are extremely high, even among Christians. It’s scary to take that leap of commitment and to promise to be faithful to one person until death do you part. I can’t tell you exactly why and I don’t have all the answers. My husband travels a lot for work, stays in hotels, and meets all kinds of new people every week. Even I have moments of insecurity and doubt when I’m feeling particularly weak or susceptible to spiritual attack. The enemy will use anything to lie and distract me from the truth that happy and holy marriages exist. But I can tell you that my husband and I have entrusted our marriage to the Lord and we work really hard to cultivate trust, transparency, and open communication. I see the way my husband works really hard to persevere in chastity and purity, even in marriage, by filling his mind with what is good and rejecting what is filth. I see that he surrounds himself with good friends who can keep him accountable. I see how he centers his life on Jesus – in prayer, the Sacraments, and the Church. And I can’t tell you how good it feels to be married to a man who seeks the heart of Christ and whom I can completely trust. I can live in freedom knowing that he would never do anything to jeopardize the family he loves and helped to create. I know that I married the “0.01%”. You can, too. More importantly, you and I can be a part of that “0.01%” for our spouses.

That kind of behavior, to me, is terribly annoying and immature, especially considering the years of friendship we shared prior to that disagreement. People can be annoying, and in this case, she was just that. There have been many times since that episode, where when the memory of her comes to my mind, I am tempted to be bitter / get into imaginary arguments with her where I always win / or somebody throws a tomato at her. But then in the corner of my conscience, I see Jesus looking at me lovingly, not saying anything, yet saying loud and clear:

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”(Colossians 3:13)

“Aww Jesus c’mon, why do you want us to be holy all the time? Can’t we be a little Old Testament from time to time?”

I lick my wounds a little more before I decide I want to be forgiven by God for my many sins too. So in spite of how I might feel towards her at that moment, I realize I have the power and ability to take the higher road, to forgive her, to be the kind of person Jesus wants me to be. Namely, like Him, who willingly died for us on the Cross even though we had caused his painful death via our sins. This doesn’t mean that I am saying what she did was right… That somehow it didn’t matter. No, it was still hurtful and offensive. But forgiveness is often about allowing ourselves to be set free, while unforgiveness is like drinking something poisonous, waiting for the other person to die.

Thank Jesus He never said, “Like your neighbor as yourself”. “Liking” someone is subjective. It means you find that person agreeable, enjoyable, or even satisfactory. “Liking” is subjective, emotional, and fluid at best. Of course, these feelings can change depending on what kind of a day you had, whether or not you have gas, if that person did or didn’t “like” your recent post on social media, or if they only contacted you when they needed you to do something for them. Oh, what a fickle thing it is to like someone. I don’t happen to like the person I had mentioned before, but strangely, I can still love her and am called to do just that. So to that end, when I’m reminded of what she did to me, I pray that God blesses her, helps her become a saint and that she doesn’t repeat her past mistakes.  In His infinite wisdom, Jesus says, “LOVE your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). Still very difficult to do, but much more reasonable than liking.

Invisible Sun by Julie Mehretu

I’ve always been an anxious girl, ever since I can remember. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of fear and uncertainty. I would say I had a mostly happy and privileged childhood, but it also included a lot of pain and suffering that I didn’t know how to address as a kid. Even in my early toddler years, I began to self-soothe with destructive behaviors.

I believe my anxiety stemmed from a need for perfection. I feared making any tiny mistake that would result in me being unloved or being a disappointment. It was a belief that I was not good enough, that I could never be good enough, and therefore, I was unworthy of love. When you’re a little kid who doesn’t know how to verbalize what’s going on in your interior world, these feelings can become internalized and end up being something you have to fight every day, possibly for the rest of your life.

As a teenager, I fell into depression without even realizing it. I had a lot of friends and I considered myself a pretty happy person. But I had not developed a good sense of self-awareness or emotional maturity to even realize how depressed I was until I tried to take my own life one day. I didn’t get psychiatric help or counseling at the time because I was a minor and the adults in my life believed I just “wanted attention” or that I needed to just “snap out of it”. Because this made me feel even more ashamed about my attempted suicide, I didn’t even tell my closest friends about what had happened.

After years of self-medicating and feeling like there was a constant dark cloud hanging over me, I took some psychology classes in college and felt determined to get some help. It was a decision I will never regret and I have no shame in saying that I see a therapist regularly, to this day, in order to address my struggles with anxiety. It’s also something I bring up in confession or ask prayers for quite often.

As a wife and mother, I’ve struggled with postpartum depression, feelings of inadequacy, and a lack of control over my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I have irrational fears that I am traumatizing my kids, that my husband will suddenly leave me, that I was never meant to be a mother, and that I don’t deserve my family. Sometimes I get tempted to revert back to those self-destructive behaviors to cope with my feelings. It is a daily reminder that these thoughts are truly irrational, that all the evidence points against them, and that I need to pray more than ever to fight the temptation of these anxious thoughts. There are days where I make great progress. There are days where I feel like I am starting from Day 1 and it is incredibly frustrating. But with each day I decide to try again, I am filling up my toolbox with coping strategies that work for me. And instead of fear and anxiety, I hope that it is perseverance and healthy habits that I am passing onto my children when they see my willingness to work on becoming a better version of myself.

I’m sharing all of this to say 4 things:

1.  If you struggle with anxiety and/or depression, know this: you are NOT alone. Many people also deal with this, whether they are diagnosed or not. Anxiety and depression look different in every person and can manifest in a myriad of ways. Even the most seemingly happy person in your life or the person who has an incredible relationship with God can be fighting anxiety and depression. We are all on this journey together.

2.  There is no shame – ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME –  in seeking help. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. The notion that seeking therapy makes you a “crazy person” or “weak” is so far from the truth. There is no benefit in stuffing your feelings down and refusing to be vulnerable. Yes, prayer is absolutely instrumental in your healing process. Yes, the Sacrament of Confession can renew and free you from the bondage of sin and temptation. But sometimes, seeking professional help from a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist is necessary in taking concrete, practical, and medical steps to making yourself whole again.

3.  If you have a friend that confides in you and tells you he or she is suicidal or hurting him or herself, the best way you can love that person is to tell someone. A trusted adult, your school counselor, his or her parent, just tell someone. I know it sounds counterintuitive, especially when this person is trusting you with extremely vulnerable and sensitive information and is even asking you to keep it a secret. Keeping it a secret is not having their best interest in mind. Show this person how much you care by praying for him or her and supporting them as they get help.

4.  I am praying for you. Please pray for me. Please know that you are a child of God, loved beyond measure by The Perfect Father. You are worthy of this perfect love because Jesus Christ decided you are. He decided to die on a cross for you, so that you would know how worthy you are. You have so much good to give to the world and the devil will try to pin you down and snuff out your light by distorting the truth and whispering lies into your ear when you are alone with your thoughts. Don’t let the devil win. Live your life in joy and hope and freedom, confident of your place in God’s kingdom and the legions of angels who fight for you, the Saints who pray for you, and the people in your life who love you.

This is the last art installation I saw that day at the Broad Museum: The famous Infinity Mirrored Room – The Souls of Millions of Light Years Away by Yayoi Kusama. As I stepped into this room alone, I was immersed into another world – a world of hope and peace and wonder. A little taste of heaven. To me, every single dazzling light represented a soul who loves you, in this world and in the next, connected through One Body of Christ. They are the ones who are right next to you cheering you on, and the Saints who are an endless number of miles away, praying for you. Don’t give up. God is with you. You are not alone.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. (Psalm 40:1-2)

Resources:

Catholic Therapists  –  http://www.CatholicTherapists.com

Find A Therapist – https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

(Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24/7)

Imagine the horror when I realized I would lose all my hair while pregnant with my son.

Halfway through the pregnancy, my scalp started to itch like crazy. I mean raking your head until it bleeds itchy. I thought I was going insane. I would smack and scratch my head so much that my daughter started to model my behavior and smack her own head (that almost made me stop, I still couldn’t help myself). The itching was followed with severe hair loss. I was pulling out chunks of hair every day, multiple times a day. It seemed as if hair covered every surface of our home. My daughter would play and run back with my hair stuck on her fingers and lips. Every time I showered, I created wild, imaginative art murals with my hair on the shower wall, and afterwards collected hair balls the size of my whole palm.

This is me at 5 months pregnant. Believe it or not, I was losing hair at this point already but not enough for anybody else to notice.

This is me at 6 months pregnant. You can see how much my hair had thinned out on top in just a month.

My OB doctor referred me to a dermatologist. I spent over $600 on blood tests trying to figure out what was happening to me and I was actually disappointed when all of my results came back healthy and normal. I wanted something to be wrong with me, just so I could have an answer, and therefore, a cure. Every week, my hair thinned drastically. My hairline was receding and the part in my hair was splitting wide like the Red Sea. I bought all kinds of expensive steroid treatments, wigs, special shampoos, and hair products, praying that my hair would stop falling out.

7 months pregnant

It was then that I realized how much value I had placed on my looks, and especially on my hair. It’s funny how a woman’s hair can become her security blanket, relying on it to feel any sort of confidence in public. As long as I had my hair, I felt ready to face the world. When that was taken away, I didn’t know how to love myself. I spent a lot of nights crying. Every time I walked past a mirror, I felt ugly and ashamed. Every night, I would look at myself and think “You’re disgusting. You look hideous. How can anyone love you when you look like that?” It took a long time before I realized that it had been the devil whispering that in my ear every night.

I was depressed and miserable, and really angry with God. Why was this happening to me? I didn’t want to talk to Him or have a relationship with Him until my hair came back. My husband encouraged me to use my hair loss as a prayer and said, “You’re going through this so you can pray and intercede for people. Who do you want to pray for?” But I didn’t want to pray for anyone. I only wanted to pray for myself. It got to a point where I had such little hair, I looked like Gollum from Lord of the Rings (that’s the second time I’ve compared myself to that character, by the way) and I mustered up the courage to shave my head. I cried and laughed in the bathtub while my husband went at it with the clippers. I felt scared, liberated, horrified, and relieved all at once. I had a flurry of emotions that night and I think I finally understood Britney’s meltdown in 2007.

I realize there are women who suffer much greater trials during pregnancy and that people have far worse reasons for losing their hair. I always knew that looks aren’t everything and that beauty goes beyond the physical. But I didn’t truly believe it for myself until I was forced to find the beauty in my balding head. Talk about a lesson in humility. It was the cause of many spiritual attacks and it was a daily fight to keep from hating myself. As I struggled to keep my appearance from dictating my worth as a person, God used the people in my life to show me that I am still beautiful. My husband would rub my head and kiss me even though I didn’t want him to look at me. My daughter didn’t see me any differently; I was still her mommy who loved and provided for her. My friends reassured me that I could pull off this new look, and my family reminded me of how brave I was to sacrifice my hair for my son. Through these people, I realized that I am loved beyond measure. They helped me to see that I am wanted most of all by Jesus. That He delights in me and who I am, despite how I look and my imperfections.

I had to ask myself, “What is beauty?” We see plenty of beautiful people everyday in public, on the television, magazines, and computer. But when you strip away the big hair, the makeup, the toned bodies, and pretty clothes, you realize those are not the things that make one beautiful. It may be harder to recognize but there is beauty in each of us. I realized that beauty is joy. It’s about not taking yourself too seriously and finding humor in your life everyday. It’s about believing that you are good and that you are loved. Beauty is kindness and sacrifice. It’s about the way you treat people and make them feel important and cared for. It’s about the big and little sacrifices you make that may or may not go unnoticed. Beauty is confidence. It’s about knowing and believing you make a difference. It’s about being kind to yourself, and being YOU in all of your uniqueness, knowing that there is no one else in the world like you. Beauty is understanding your gifts and talents, and using them to become the best possible version of yourself while lifting up others to do the same.

During the last few weeks of my pregnancy, my hair started growing back slowly but surely. Now my son has entered the world (with a full head of hair, ironically) and the second he was placed into my arms, I knew it was all worth it. I still stare longingly at women with long, luscious hair (I apologize if I’ve done that to you recently) and I get a little sad when I look at pictures of myself with my old hair. I never thought I’d have such a drastic look when it comes to my appearance, but I’m learning to like it with every passing day (no tangles and 5 minute showers are game changers). Most of all, I’m learning to love myself and see myself the way God sees me: full of dignity and beauty, worthy of his love in all of my imperfections, which are made perfect through Him. The pursuit of loving oneself is a daily journey and I pray that you will read this and know that whether you are a woman or man, young or old, with hair or no hair, you are beautiful. You are worthy. You are loved. And Aiden, my dear son, if one day you are reading this, know that you owe me big time. But for now, here’s a picture of us with matching haircuts.

Because we’re not doing anybody any favors by being hush-hush about this thing that is shoved into our faces every single day. Parents, pastors, youth ministers, and anyone else who has young ones looking to you for guidance and answers, this is especially important for you to know. Kids need to talk about sex.

When was the first time I asked about sex? I was 4 years old. My older sister had come home from school, bragging that she knew what sex was, but she wouldn’t tell me! I had to know. So when my dad came home from work later that night, I asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?” …Now, it’s probably important to note that in the Korean culture, it’s taboo to talk about sex. And talking about sex with your kids (especially for my parents’ generation) is absolutely unheard of. But I think this is pretty common across many different cultures. Even in America, where sex is plastered on practically every billboard, commercial, movie, and music video, parents will just pretend like it doesn’t exist. So when my dad looked back at me in horror, I asked, “Isn’t it when two people get naked and start French kissing?” Totally innocent question, right? Well, maybe not totally innocent. I had peeked through my fingers enough times when my mom would say, “Cover your eyes!” during certain movie scenes. (C’mon, I know I’m not the only one.)

Now, parents, if you’re ever in this situation, your next answer could greatly impact your impressionable child. This could set the path for their view on sexuality way into their adulthood. This is your opportunity to give age-appropriate, truthful answers that tell your children how God designed sex and that they are made for true, authentic love. Feeling the pressure, yet? I wish I can say that my father responded in this way, but instead, I was met with rage and fire. I got a spanking that night (so did my sister, because she obviously had such a bad influence on me. Michelle, it’s all your fault!) and I vowed to never speak, hear, or even think about sex ever again.

For the next few years, I continued living my innocent life, running away from any sexual image or thought, trying my best to shut it out in fear of another spanking. I still didn’t know what it was. I just knew it was powerful and somehow involved naked bodies. But what happens when you repress your feelings and pretend they don’t exist? Anybody have passive-aggressive family members? Know someone with alcohol or drug problems? Anger and violence issues? If you repress your feelings long enough, you’re going to snap. Those feelings will find a way to get out, and most likely, it will be in the most unhealthy of ways.

When I was in 3rd grade, we finally got a computer with Internet in our house. It was glorious. We would use our landline to dial-up to the Internet, gleefully listening to those screeching, robotic sounds that assured we would soon have the world at our fingertips. The first couple months were a joyful blur of computer games like Snake and Oregon Trail, but it didn’t take very long for me, as a child, to access chat rooms with perverted strangers, erotica websites, and pornography. I went from repressing my sexual thoughts and feelings to being exposed to sex in the most carnal and grotesque of ways. I felt horrified, but curious. I wanted to turn away, but I was infatuated. I was like Smeagol from the Lord of the Rings. I was hooked.

I knew it was wrong. My dad had made that abundantly clear. But this was a time before parental supervision and Internet search histories. I dove deep into a secret addiction to pornography and masturbation that lasted for about 12 years. And what did pornography teach me? It taught me that sex was the only way to feel loved and valued. It taught me that I had to perform sexual favors for my boyfriends to keep them happy. It taught me that I had to have sex with a guy on the first date to thank him for dinner. It taught me to hate myself. It taught me that I was never worthy of true love.

With all these sexual, lustful thoughts clouding my mind 24/7, I went into middle school never being told anything else other than what I was being taught by pornography. I never received any other messages from my parents, my pastors, my youth ministers, or my teachers. Simply because it was never talked about. Those conversations were avoided like the plague. Then came 8th grade, where everybody got to take a Sex Ed class and openly talk about sex. We all shuffled into the room, pretending like we were too cool to care about the class, then trying to stifle our giggles at words like penis and vagina. And this class proceeded to show us image after image of every STD you can imagine, as we groaned and gagged at the warts, blisters, and oozing pus. Then we had a lesson about what happens when girls get pregnant, which was basically a traumatizing and bloody video of a woman giving birth to a purple, alien-like baby.

This was the message of our “comprehensive” sexual education: DON’T get STDs and definitely DON’T get pregnant. Never once did we talk about the emotional, psychological, and spiritual ramifications of sex. Never once did we talk about the benefits and beauty of sex within the context of marriage. Never once were we told that the Pill is a class one carcinogen (i.e. cancer causing agent) as reported by the World Health Organization [2005]. Never once were we taught about any alternatives, such as Natural Family Planning (i.e. Creighton method, Symptothermal method, etc.) as an effective and 100% natural means to plan pregnancy and track fertility. Never once were we told that our bodies are treasures, that our sexual desires are good, or that sex is a beautiful expression of one’s true love and commitment to one’s spouse in the most vulnerable and intimate of ways. Instead, we were told that some people choose to abstain from sex until marriage, but in reality most wouldn’t. So the class ended with the instructor tossing out free condoms in various fun colors and flavors. Some were even glow-in-the-dark. Can you believe it? She was like Oprah, giving out free candy. YOU get a condom! YOU get a condom! EVERYBODY GETS FREE CONDOMS!!!

So, imagine a young teenage girl, with a twisted sense of sexuality, now handed free neon-colored condoms (and free birth control pills from Planned Parenthood at every annual checkup). I felt invincible because I was led to believe that condoms would make me “safe” from STD’s and that the Pill would keep me from becoming a teenage mother.

It wasn’t long until I lost my virginity and went down a dark, downward spiral into a world of sexual promiscuity, drugs, and untreated depression. I didn’t care about my body, my heart, or my soul. For a large part of my adolescence, I used sex as a tool to receive what I thought was affection, attention, and love (coincidentally, I was lacking these things in other areas of my life). But I was deeply mistaken. Instead, I was receiving false promises, pain and hurt, and ultimately the message that: I was only worth what my body could offer.

It has taken many years of prayer, therapy, and communication (and it’s still an ongoing process) to reverse those messages, to heal from the spiritual and emotional traumas, and to undo those knots that choked me for so many years. Now, I’m not saying that if you don’t talk to your kids about sex, they are going to become sex addicts. I’m just sharing my story to give an example of what could happen when you a) completely avoid the topic of sex or b) just tell them, “Don’t have sex because I said so.”

Priests and pastors, talk about sex with your parish communities. Talk about it in your homilies. Discuss it (in length) in marriage prep meetings. Draw inspiration from St. John Paul II and his writings in Love and Responsibility and know that people can and will learn about sex from unmarried, celibate men. Youth leaders, invest in good, solid Theology of the Body programs and chastity speakers (i.e. Paul J. Kim, Chastity Project Speakers) to come speak at your church or event. Talk about it with your teens even if they pretend like they don’t care. Spread awareness of the addictive and damaging nature of pornography and about resources (i.e. Covenant Eyes, XXX Church) that can help people break the cycle. Married couples, don’t just have sex, talk about it, too. Open communication can open up a whole world of sexual healing and discovery. Check out this great book called Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving by Gregory K. Popcack.

And finally, parents, know that it all has to start in the home. If you’re not teaching your kids about sex, the world is teaching them. And the world is unfortunately filled with lies when it comes to this topic, cleverly and cunningly planted by the Enemy. When your kids ask questions, and they will have questions, take those opportunities to give loving, honest, and appropriate answers without making them feel ashamed or intimidated. Do your homework. There will also be opportunities to use their mistakes and turn them into teachable moments. Pray for wisdom, patience, and guidance. Pray for your children, their sexual purity, and their future vocation in life. But most importantly, live chastity and purity out yourselves. Your kids may not remember exactly what you teach them or the carefully thought-out answers you give, but they will remember your actions. More is caught than taught. So strive for chastity in your marriage, kick that porn addiction, be mindful of the movies you watch, the music you listen to, and the books you read (moms, put down the 50 Shades), use those parental controls on the computers and smartphones, and remain close to the Lord through prayer and the Sacraments.

And for those who have already lost their virginity and now feel like there’s no point in waiting anymore, I totally get it. I’ve been there. We all have sexual desires and sometimes, it seems easier to give in. But I’m challenging you to start over and try again, not just for your future spouse, but for yourself. Because I know you are capable of living up to the challenge. Because I know you deserve better. It wasn’t until my early 20′s when I finally met a man, named Paul, who didn’t want to use me for my body and just have sex with me. WHAT?! I was confused. There I was, expecting to give it up by our 3rd date (I made him wait long enough, right?), and he was sitting there, telling me that he was waiting for his future spouse to show her the utmost dignity and respect, to sacrifice his sexual desires for the protection of her heart and soul, and to love and honor her the way she deserves to be loved so they can finally consummate their vows of marriage on their wedding night. I was floored. And by God’s good grace, I married that man. Not only because he was charming, intelligent, handsome, and hilarious. But because I knew he would love me the way Christ loves His Bride, the Church: through sacrifice and suffering, with strength, nobility, and humility. And that’s what I deserved. That’s what every person deserves.

~ Maggie Kim

But as the weeks went on, I started to think of baby names and found myself glancing at newborn clothes. Our baby was due in February 2016, just two months after my daughter’s 1st birthday, and I imagined my daughter playing with her little sibling, growing up together close in age and being best friends. And as my husband and I prayed each night for our little growing baby, praising God for the gift of life and learning to trust Him with our family, I felt more and more excited to welcome this baby. And then came my first prenatal checkup.

One of the greatest moments of your prenatal checkups are getting to see your little peanut on the ultrasound screen and hearing that rapid heart beat. And you look forward to hearing that heart, beating strong and purposefully, at every checkup until you deliver your child. But when I sat back, anxiously anticipating that sound, I heard nothing. I willed the machine to start emitting the sound, but there was nothing. And after some tests and another ultrasound, it was confirmed: we had lost the baby.

I can’t exactly remember how I felt getting the news. A part of me felt horrified, another part of me was slightly relieved. A bigger part of me felt like I was in a dream. I didn’t know if I should tell anybody because we hadn’t announced the pregnancy, but at the same time, I wanted our baby’s presence to be known. It was a very confusing time with plenty of mixed emotions. And then, I was consumed with anger.

I was angry at God, angry at my husband, and just angry at the world. I wondered why God would take away something so special, why He wouldn’t want a child to meet his or her mother, and why He was punishing me for initially feeling reluctant about the pregnancy. I was angry at my poor husband, who basically wasn’t allowed to touch me or even breathe without me snapping at him and then running back to sob on his shoulder. I was angry at the cruel world, especially because the undercover videos of Planned Parenthood were released around this time, and I couldn’t bear to hear any more sad news. Most of all, I was angry at myself. I wanted to go back in time and just jump for joy at the news of our unexpected pregnancy. I wished I had never wasted any time worrying or feeling anxious. I felt like a horrible mother, like it was all my fault. I felt so foolish, so selfish, so unwilling to trust God. Hearing about other people’s pregnancies was especially hard. I wanted to be happy for them instead of envious. I wanted to ask questions about their pregnancies and babies without feeling sick to my stomach. I didn’t even want to sit in a hot tub, tired of the realization that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. All I could think about was my empty body and my empty heart.

My husband and I began to pray. I didn’t want to pray because I was still angry, but I honestly didn’t know what else to do. We prayed a special novena asking God for some sign to tell us whether our child was a boy or a girl. And we prayed a very specific prayer, asking for a slingshot to confirm a boy, or ballet slippers to confirm a girl. And though I had doubts in my mind, I looked to my husband who prayed with utter faith, and hoped we would get a clear answer so we could give our child some sort of identity. Then one day, as we were leaving a department store, we came upon a display of children’s clothing that I was immediately attracted to. “Ooh-ing and Ahh-ing” over a cute onesie that I pictured our daughter in, I glanced over to the little boy’s shirt next to it, and there on the shirt was a big graphic of a slingshot. And there we took it as God’ sign that we had a son in Heaven. We named him Francis Nathan Kim.

I wrestled with the idea of sharing this story because I am normally a private person. And this has been a very vulnerable and difficult time in my life that I wasn’t sure I would want posted on a public forum. But I chose to share this story, not because I want attention or pity, but because pregnancy and infant loss is an unfortunate reality that is more common than we think. Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. That’s up to 1 in 4 women. And there are plenty of women who also experience multiple miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant loss. Most of these women and their families suffer in silence. Perhaps it is because they don’t want others to feel uncomfortable or burdened talking about dead babies, or maybe it’s just the way they choose to grieve. But for those of you who want to share your stories and feel that you can’t, I hope you are encouraged to find healing and consolation from your friends and loved ones. I hope you are able to mourn and go through this emotional process by talking to somebody you trust. And I want you to know that your children deserve to be known, no matter how short their time on Earth. You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.

I love my son and think about him every day. I am still heart broken. I have to fight the urge to feel sad when I see a pregnant woman, and I try to pray for her and praise God for the life in her womb. I don’t know how I’m going to feel as we approach what would have been our son’s due date in the new year. Coping and healing is still an ongoing process, one that I will be on for the rest of my life until I finally get to meet my baby in Heaven. Until I can scoop him up into my arms and hug him so hard to make up for all the hugs we couldn’t have. I have to remember that all my children are ultimately God’s children, and while I am responsible for raising them here in the world, I have to place them and trust them in God’s hands.

Lastly, I want to share a moment with you that constantly reminds me that joy can come from suffering, just as redemption came from Jesus Christ’s crucifixion and death. One evening, my husband and I took a walk around our favorite lake in our neighborhood. It had been a particularly rough week, experiencing intense cramping and bleeding, and scheduling the procedure that would separate my baby from me for good. I saw a little duck swimming across the lake alone, and I was immediately overwhelmed with sadness. My heart sank at the thought of my baby being all alone, crying out and searching for his mother. I wanted to hug and console him and tell him, “There, there. Mommy is here and I will never leave you.” But then I looked up and saw this strikingly breathtaking view of the sunset that just seemed to emanate the Lord’s majesty. And as the little duck joined his group of little duck friends, I knew that my son is not alone. He was never alone when he was with me in my womb, and he will never be alone now in the company of Saints and Angels. He used to be a part of me and my body. But now he is in Heaven, happier than he could ever be, and he is still a part of me through the Body of Christ. One of our missions as mothers is to help get our children to Heaven. And I’m proud to say that my little Saint is in the arms of Jesus, exactly where he’s supposed to be, exactly where he belongs.

“So it is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones should be lost.” Matthew 18:14

Now, since you’re here… Let’s do some real talk. If you’re single, raise your hand. Now take a long, deep breath, and exhale. Feel that? Everything is going to be okay, you’re not gonna die… Unless you text and drive.

I know Christmas and the holidays are here, and everyone and their little sibling seems to have a significant other, who they’re posting pictures with on Instagram. But you? Why have you been celebrating SAD (Singles Awareness Day) since Valentine’s Day of… 2000 something? It’s because you’re terribly unloveable and have nothing beneficial to share with anyone, and your fashion sense is really frumpy, right…?

NOOOO! Stop being so emo and start believing in your dang self! Listen, I get it. It sucks to be single when you don’t want to be. There was a period in my life after my first year of college, when (aside from several awkward dates and that one time I was trying to discern a vocation to priesthood), I was single. This period was a DECADE long. 10 Years. 120 Months. 43,800 Days.

During this time I could have crumpled up into the corner of my existence, in fetal position, and cried myself to sleep while I fed myself Bon Bon’s ALLLL BYYYY MYYYYSELLLLLLF (insert Celine Dion’s voice here). But I didn’t, because that’s dumb. Not so much the Bon Bon’s part, but the other part.

Now the purpose of this entry isn’t to give you 10 ways to ask someone out, nor to simply say you must die a martyrdom of Facebook relationship status: Single. But rather: Make the Most Out of Being Single.

That’s right: Make the most out of being single.

It’s a really important time in your life. It’s so crucial in fact, that it will significantly impact your future “everything”. 100 percent of the time, your future will be influenced in some way by your past. Haven’t you seen The Notebook? I haven’t. Anyways, use today well.

I don’t presume to know God’s will for your life, future, and destiny; but I do know He doesn’t want you to wallow in self-pity and static depreciation. Rather than seeing your situation in the negative, or in the glass-half-empty-forever position; see it as a golden opportunity to grow as a human being: In mind, body, and soul. The more you work on “you” now, the better off your future spouse and ultimately your marriage and vocation will be, because of it. So the challenge I present to you today is simple:

Make one tangible goal for yourself this week for each category of:

1. Mind
2. Body
3. Soul.

Then do it. Because if all we do is read fancy articles on how to improve our life, but don’t carry out any of the actual advice, it’s just like wasting time on the internet… Oh wait. Ha. I’m even going to help you out with some ideas to get started… Even before the New Year’s Resolution madness ball drops. Pick one from each. Repeat.

1. Mind:

– Read a book that you can benefit from
– Try “The Five Love Languages” by Chapman
– Or “The Temperament God Gave You” by Bennett
– Or “Wild At Heart” by Eldredge
– But don’t take my word for it haha #readingrainbow
– Grow in self-awareness
– Meet a counselor to deal with unresolved issues
– Learn a new skill / trade
– Get out of debt / Don’t go into debt (DaveRamsey.com)
– Enroll in a class
– Learn how to play an instrument (you can even learn for free on YouTube)
– Don’t feed negative or hopeless thoughts, they’re a waste of energy
– Turn off Netflix and do something above on this list

2. Body:

– Exercise
– Get to the Gym
– Join Crossfit and get ripped
– Eat healthier, but learn to enjoy junk on occasion
– Join an intramural league
– Learn a martial art
– Kick a bank robber in the face
– Go volunteer
– Go out of your way to buy food for a homeless person
– Go do a random act of kindness

3. Soul:

– Read the Bible 5 minutes a day, start with the Gospels
– The book of Tobit in the Old Testament is amazing by the way, because it’s about God answering the prayers of single people
– Frequent the Sacraments
– Make a Good Confession and let God forgive you, of everything
– Forgive the people who have hurt you, and learn to let go
– Pray the Rosary
– Go to Mass every Sunday, and scare the old ladies by even going on a weekday: MassTimes.org
– Join a youth / young adult group
– Make good friends, because friends will either make or break you
– Work on your relationship with Jesus, because it’s the most important relationship you’ll have. He loves you by the way, more than you could ever know.

If you’re reading this, I’m praying for you. Young adulthood is not always easy. But it’s all worth it, and God is faithful. I’ve seen it in my own life, even in the midst of loneliness, waiting, and longing.

“I know well the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11