Lord, Your Will Be Done… As Long As It’s Not That
This past year has been tremendously busy with ministry, family, self-care, growth, and basically raising 3 helpless humans (and finding out another is on the way). Personally, it’s been a huge lesson in learning how to listen to God’s voice and trusting that what He has planned for me is GOOD – a concurrent lesson in humility and utter surrender. I honestly didn’t think this would be such a difficult lesson for me. I’ve always considered myself as easy-going and adaptable, usually willing to bend and follow others’ leadership. I’ve always told God that if He ever just told me what to do, I would drop everything in a second and do it, no problem, no questions asked. Yeah. Right. This year has proved me wrong and discovering the stubborn, immature, untrusting parts of myself has been a tough pill to swallow.
Part 1
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?” “Here I am,” I said; “send me!” Isaiah 6:8
Now I am reminding you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you, which you indeed received and in which you also stand. Through it you are also being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you, unless you believed in vain. But by the grace of God, I am what I am, and his grace to me has not been ineffective. Indeed, I have toiled harder than all of them; not I, however, but the grace of God [that is] with me. Therefore, whether it be I or they, so we preach and so you believed. 1 Corinthians 15:1-2, 10-11
For astonishment at the catch of fish they had made seized him and all those with him, and likewise James and John, the sons of Zebedee, who were partners of Simon. Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.” When they brought their boats to the shore, they left everything and followed him. Luke 5: 9-11
It was through these readings that I felt God telling me He wanted Paul to finish his duties at the event and that the people there needed to hear what he would have to say. I knew that God entrusted Paul with the task of sharing the Gospel, and specifically sent him, even in the midst of a major family life moment. God assured me that in our own ways – with each word coming out of Paul’s mouth and with each contraction my body was feeling – we would be doing our parts and God would use it all to spread the Good News and further the Kingdom of God. And in prayer, I felt deep comfort. The Lord promised me that the baby and I would be OK. He promised that I would be taken care of and that I wouldn’t go through this alone. And I surrendered. I said OK, God. I believe you. I told Paul to stay at the event and fly home as soon as it was over. Everything went smoothly. I tucked Audrey and Aiden into bed and kissed them goodnight. My mom stayed home with them and my sister took me to the hospital just in time. Remy was born 2 hours later. It was a beautiful and special experience that Remy, my sister, and I shared and it brought me so much joy to watch my dear sister cut my baby’s umbilical cord. I knew from that moment that they would always have a special connection. I smiled and took a picture of my sweet newborn baby and texted it to Paul as he slept 1000 miles away, knowing the first thing he would see when he woke up would be his brand new baby daughter. All was well. Or so I thought.
It didn’t hit me right away. I was distracted by newborn baby bliss, fluctuating hormones, running on fumes and minutes of sleep, and adjusting to this new crazy life. It was a few weeks later that there was something I was holding inside, deep in my heart. And it was bitter anger. I was upset that God had asked me to trust Him with something so difficult – something that we can never go back and change. I thought: my husband, Remy’s father, our protector and defender – he should have been there. He had to miss out on the spectacular miracle of his daughter’s birth. I thought about how Remy might feel growing up, knowing that her dad had been present for her siblings’ births but not hers. I struggled deeply with feelings of abandonment, something I have dealt with for much of my life, but it all came flooding back. It was as if I had kept all of these feelings buried during my labor because I was in survival mode. Even though I had wonderful support, the intense fear and sudden lack of control during that situation had left me feeling overwhelmed, disappointed, and neglected. I just kept asking, “Why, God? Why did you ask something so difficult of me?”
This brings me to another huge announcement from the Kim family. And no, I’m not talking about Baby #4, although that is also exciting and important news. But here’s something we’ve never announced before:
We are moving to TEXAS!!!
This was somewhat unexpected but something God was clearly inviting us to do this year. We had been talking (or joking?) about it for years but after intentional prayer, conviction in our hearts, and even after some tangible signs, we knew it was something we had to do now. I have never lived outside of beautiful Southern California, where the weather is perfect and the beaches are beautiful, but more importantly, where my family is and where I have built a wonderful community of friends who certainly feel like family. God is asking us to leave that all behind and begin a new adventure in a new place that He is preparing for us. And we want to be obedient.
I haven’t been having the easiest time with this realization. In fact, there have been several times where I have regretted praying about it in the first place because I didn’t like the answer we got. Again, my anxiety has skyrocketed because of my difficulty with trusting the Lord. Why is He calling us out there? Why do I have to give up so many things I love? What if I’m miserable out there? When Paul and I took a trip to visit homes and to explore the area where we will be moving, I was super emotional. This is where we would begin a new life where our kids will grow up. It was the strangest feeling flying back to California because I didn’t really know which was my home anymore.
The thought of leaving my work, my friends, and especially my family has been heartbreaking. I know whatever we have in Texas will be wonderful but it won’t replace these people. And it’s been a tricky balance of recognizing this sadness but also remaining hopeful and confident in the many blessing we will receive there and hopefully give to others. As I shared these thoughts with a beloved colleague and friend (with whom I’ve had the privilege of working and serving alongside at my dream job!) she shared the following scripture from the book of Job. I feel almost silly comparing my experience to the extreme loss and pain he went through, but if anybody can relate to learning how to trust God amidst the hardships of life, it’s Job.
Then Job replied to the Lord: “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscured my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.” Job 42:1-3
So now, we prepare for one of the biggest decisions Paul and I have made as a family. I am currently 3 months pregnant, we have 3 toddlers, and we are putting our house up for sale in the middle of this coronavirus hysteria. We need to find a house in Texas to rent while our forever home is being built, find new doctors for myself and baby, and prepare my oldest kid for kindergarten. You could say the timing is not ideal. So please join us in prayer as we begin this journey.
“The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.” 1 John 2:17
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Ana Gonzalez
Posted at 07:01h, 20 MarchYou write so beautifully. Truly inspiring. I too, struggle with trusting God completely. This has touched me so much. Thank you. I feel like I know you and your beautiful family, I, have been following you , and so enjoy all your posts and love all your kiddos, Congratulations on the upcoming addition, truly a blessing from God. I will pray for you and your family. I live in Texas, it’s not too bad, lol, just really hot, but there is alot of beauty here, and I welcome you. It has to be very difficult, a big change in your lives. God loves you so much, and He entrusts you with this, because He will be there for you every step you take. You are very special to Him. I love you and your family, and will continue my prayers for you. Like my sweet Mom would always say , “All shall be well “. 😊💕🙏 God bless you, God keep you and may God take care of you! 🙏
Eileen Perez
Posted at 10:28h, 20 MarchThank you for sharing your heart, Maggie. This is beautiful, inspiring and encouraging. This line right here just hit me right where I needed to be hit this morning: “The act of trusting the Lord and surrendering to His will is not for the faint of heart.” Amen! Your family is definitely in my prayers with this transition. God is so so good.
Ivan Kwong
Posted at 11:09h, 20 MarchHi Maggie, thank you for sharing your heart and faith with us in Themis beautiful article. I’d love to talk to you and Paul above moving to Texas where I was born and raised. And maybe more importantly I’d love to hear about the why and the call to move. Feel free to hit me up on FB. Would love to hear from y’all, but will be praying for your transition into the greatest state of all states 😄 🙏
Jinky Garcia
Posted at 11:25h, 20 MarchYour message is timely. I’m in that situation where there’s a call to trust God but it seems all I have are questions and more Whys?
Reading your article, I’ve come to trust God and accept that which He allowed to happen and finding my mission amidst this confusion. God bless you! May you touch more hearts!
Cyndi Roberson
Posted at 11:48h, 20 MarchMaggie,
I need to tell you, so much of your article had parallels for me. The Holy Spirit put me in the right place at the right time, reading this.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I will keep you and your family in prayer,
JMJ
Cyndi
Veronica Hejny
Posted at 13:16h, 20 MarchSo beautiful! Thank you for sharing ❤
Carolyn
Posted at 08:52h, 21 MarchI loved reading your story. It’s quite similar to my own when in 2009 we moved our family to the Middle East, leaving behind family and friends for a while different culture and way of life. It was the most fruitful and spiritual time I’ve ever experienced. It was very hard at times, no doubt, but I learned to lean into the Lord more and more as time passed. We were only there for 4 years but I thank God even today for giving us the courage to take a leap of faith so that we could learn more and Him and His Divine Will in our lives. You will grow in ways you never thought possible by being out of your comfort zone. I will be praying for you and your family during this time. Take care
Vonni Micky Philipa
Posted at 10:36h, 23 AugustGood For You!!!! Important someone shed light on the subject matter. Vonni Micky Philipa
Tom Farrell
Posted at 18:17h, 07 OctoberYou have written with such heart and and honesty and obvious faith (as hard as it is some time). Thank you so much for sharing. I am the father of 4 children (16 – 24) and can tell your children are blessed to have such faithful parents. There are a small group of us (30 or so now) who pray for families and invite them to pray with us, too (in their own place and time once per month). It’s a mix of individuals from across the country – fathers, mothers, Catholic school students, priests, comtemplatives (Discalced Carmelite Sisters), professors, publishers, lawyers, business persons, wealth managers, poets the full gamut….just let us know if you’d like us to pray for you and your family and whether you want to join with us in praying for families (the final friday of each month). no strings attached. God bless. Tom